Have a nice weekend! I hope it'll be fine where you live.
This cat in the polaroid looks a bit like my Tabi, doesn't he? He wasn't like him at all in the character, though.
I believe in reincarnation, and the "fact" that we will see each other if we have real en, luck to meet our loved ones. I may be reborn as a grass on the roadside and be eaten by dogs or cats that will be another life of my loved cats, which will be blessing for me. But I would love to see again Tabi and Tengteng in this life. I'm dreaming of that desperately...
I have to admit this: I've been and am in a deep suffer of "pet loss". And I also have to accept this fact: I am not young any more:DD I mean my metabolism slowed down both in the body and in the mind. People often say to me that you look young (I guess it's mainly because I don't wear clothes or make-ups very like my age;D). But the fact is that a little pimple or wound won't go off soon, sometimes leaving its scars; I get fat more easily and have more trouble losing weight. And my mind... it's less moved to positive things, more sensitive to negatives, more timid against and afraid to do new things, and also has difficulty getting over wounds. The holes left by some hard and sad things in the mind never seem to disappear, even to shrink. Such wounds (both in body and mind) recover sooner as a child. You felt sad and cried about loss or something bad done to you, but you got fine the day after or a week after that. Now you... no, I can't recover easily from trivial things. OK, that's the aging, I guess.
So the important thing is: to be exposed as many experiences, both happy and sad, when you're young. You get strong and tough by those experiences. You get more ready for everything. Your heart, your personality get more profound. You feel as deeply sorry, sad, but you won't be beaten completely. You'll appreciate much more happiness and beauty profoundly.
Then what should I do, who am already an adult? Maybe I can't make up for what I didn't experience in real. I just have to do with what I have, what I have done. I know. I know. I'm calm now, though I felt upset when I realized the things I wrote above. I'm not young but I believe I can cultivate and develop my mental realm even a little. I can find out, cherish, and grow whatever little it is in my heart. The hole will sometimes trap me and leave me numb and reluctant for anything, I will go on. I can if I throw away some rubbish limitations or obsessions, and if I do properly what I am supposed to do.
要約すると（既に力尽き気味。笑）
年を取って新陳代謝が下がるのは、体だけではなく心もそうだ、ということ。こどものころならすぐ回復した諸々が今はやたら長引いたりどうしようもなく修復不可能だったりする。若いころなら埋まった穴が今はもう縮むことすらあるのか疑わしいほど、心が硬化してる気がする。新しい細胞が体も心もなかなか生まれない。若いうちになるべくたくさんのいろいろなことを経験して心も体もきっと強くなる、深みを増す、ということに気づく。年を取るのはいつかということには個人差があるけれど、若いうちに広く深くいろんな心の体験をした人は年を取るのも遅いと思う。そして私はと言えば、見た目は実年齢より下に見られがちだけど、そういういろいろが圧倒的に足りなくて、些細なことでも傷がついていつまでもどこか疼いたり、新しいことや美しいこと楽しいことに対してどうも鈍感になってしまったり、人前にあまりでないことでうまく隠せているけれど、停滞している。ペットロスから抜け出せない。
そして、それをひんやりと見てる自分もいる。
一番いいとき（？）に育ちきれなかった、それは取り返せないだろうけれど、まだ死んだわけじゃない。本当の死までは代謝はゆっくりでも続いていく。まだこの先、ほんの少しずつでも自分を耕して心を広げ深くできると信じている。こだわりはいらない、やるべきことをやって。
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